Monday, September 13, 2010

God's Eyes and A Can of Math: A Semi-Memoir

So, I got a lot of feedback from my few fans and my parents--who aren't fans, but I force them to read this, anyway.  Basically, what I heard was, "Why in the HELL are you writing about math?  Why?  I will now stab your eyes out with non-mathematical objects just to show you how much I hate using math."

So, that went well.

I have decided to respond to these complaints... WITH EVEN MORE MATH.

But, simple math.  Math for fun.  Mom just shouted at me, "Fun and math do not occur in the same sentence." I tend to disagree as she just proved herself wrong in that last sentence.

We have now...

A comic book explanation of that function I tried showing you before.


(Don't all applaud me at once.)

Mom just said, "Don't worry."

I'm not gonna.

Because I'm awesome like that.

The function, F(x) =1/X, is like an Unhealthy Relationship

Remember what it looked like?  No?  Doesn't matter.  Just imagine a God's Eye pattern you were forced to make in intersession camp because your public school is system is wacked and lacking funding and you're on a year-round schedule, unlike every other school system so you end up being the weird kid at the family reunion with one too many homemade crafts presents to give at Christmas.


Anyway, the function:

So, however far out that function F(x) = 1/X [or Y = 1/X] continues, it STILL won't be enough for the function to break even and cross the X-axis.  X will go to infinity before it will let Y finally touch that line.  That's right, folks.  Infinity.  IN-FIN-IT-TY (I felt like it warranted a second T just to get the point across.) 

That's like saying Y is pining for the X-axis at 0 and that classic love story We All Have Gone Through starts to unfold...

Y: "I love you, please be with me so we can make variable babies" 

X:  "I don't love you but I'll never really say no or yes to you kthnxbyeeeettylG2G."  

(Exit X).

Y:  "Sweet!  I have a chance!  I just have to wait... forever?"

Unrequited love = a burden even functions have to bear.

But, more importantly, what is up with that weird open space in the middle?  

You know, the part where the function keels away like something smells bad in the middle of the graph, shooting up and down to get away from said smell?

Let us go back to our halfhazard metaphor that Y is desperately trying to get with X, who couldn't give a flying fundamental theorem either way:   when Y no longer attempts to get with X, and instead gets furthest away from that seductive, tantalizing, alluring, enticing-to-no-end X, the function (i.e., the relationship between the two)...falls apart.

*dramatic pause to let words sink in*

That's why your function is spinning wildly off your graph paper in a frenzy to keep up with it's unrelenting path to smallness.

When you think about it, it makes sense.  The function is 1/____ <-- insert some number here.   

If that number gets bigger and bigger, that fraction gets smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller andyou get the pictureand One Day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, the fraction will be so infintesimally small it will be almost like zero, but not zero.  However, if you were to divide it by zero... oh boy.  

You just opened up a can of Math Drama.

With that, I  leave you.  I hope this helped explain why it is so important to disagree with my choice of subjects.  

As per request, proof of my awkward childhood:

Not one.

But, two.

In the same pattern, no less.

Apparently, when I was a child I sustained the same level of creativity as an infant Jackson Polluck, puking up his first art piece on his bib.

To quote Mom, "Well God has two eyes, right?" 



  1. It is said that only math can prove anything with absolute certainty. Meaning that math is the purest form of science. What you have done here is to illustrate, mathematically, that unrequited love is a constant of the universe.

  2. Oh my god, I totally remember those stick-yarn things...

  3. Hel's Belle: Thank you. I feel as though there is a chromosone joke lurking somewhere in here, too. But, I am glad that my proof of unrequited love is enough for now. Thanks so much for reading!

    Crystal: Dude. I'm sayin'. I can't believe I still have my old ones.

  4. I'm a fan! Also this reminds me of this video: It's like, when you love them, they're like "Ew stay away from me." And then when you treat them like shit, they're all "OMG PLS COME BACK!"

  5. If those are God's eyes, He must be trippin' hard.

  6. Chin-- I love the video. It's sad, but true. What's worse is if you do the whole "I avoid you now and don't care" and then they still don't fall for you. Then that's just lame and healthy.

    The Dude--You know, you have to be pretty far out there to come up with a world with this in it:

  7. Definitely laughed out loud with the: not one...but two.

    Your drawings are brilliant and very helpful! :c)

    Question: is there a way to trick X & Y into falling in love? I mean if they were the last letters on earth and it was up to them to sustain life.

    Ooh, one more question: IF you were successful in this and the magic were to happen, would it be in the middle?

  8. Alana-- With regards to tricking X & Y... hm... If it were up to me to try and persuade the variables to meet at one point, I would change the function, i.e., alter the relationship that they are entangled in. Haha. Basically, give up on the original context they exist in and move onto a new one--in which the middle doesn't even exist in the same way, anymore. Or the whole graph is the middle. Dang. Love.

  9. Wow. That's pretty awesome.

    Wait...did I just learn something from math?!?!?

  10. BERYL!! I keep forgetting you have a blog. And then I remember and I'm like, "Whoa. Beryl's awesome."

    So basically the moral of the day is that 1) Beryl's awesome and 2) I have a very bad memory.


  11. ps. Ostrich = (Poodle - Muffin) x (Rabid Jackrabbit). Discuss.

  12. Elana - I love morals! Especially when they're secretly compliments in disguise/expositions about bad short term memory loss.

    Re: Ostrich Theory, I think we should formulate a hypothesis and with scientific induction create an experiment (as in, use ostriches that have not been otherwise tampered with) and compare and contrast the rabbit verses Poodle quotas of each bird. What do you think?

  13. I think that's an excellent idea, though if I had the capability to draw on my computer and 5 hours, I would actually COMBINE PICTURES OF THE AFOREMENTIONED ANIMALS to prove my point. Clip art/cartoons>science. And more reliable.

    But I have neither of these things, so instead I will leave it to your twisted imagination. If you decide to proceed with the Ostrich Theory, however, I am happy to be your laboratory assistant. By which I mean, I would be happy to press buttons, inadvertently set the animals free (they told me they wanted to go to the playground! How was I to know rabid jackrabbits didn't like children?!), and sing loudly and distractingly.

  14. What happens when the threshold of x (the threxhold?) is crossed. Your inverse function implies a reason for the two to never meet. Are x and y cousins? Siblings? Or is something more sinister afoot? Maybe y is stalking x.

    Have you considered y = cot x? Or even y = -x^3 if you are only concerned with a single relationship.

  15. Flying Wizard - When the threxhold is crossed it actually just turns into a Love Thestral, and only those who have been in unhealthy, love-locked relationships can see why X&Y are together.

    I see what you're going for there--it's an accurate visual of When Y Loves X, X Doesn't Care, but when Y Doesn't Love X, X Really Does Care. Well, that makes sense so long as we're using the positive and negative zones to mean positive/negative emotions towards the other variable.

    This is just like Chin's Hipster youtube clip.

  16. See, I think the tricky thing is, if you're ignoring them on purpose with the motive to get them back, then it won't work. They only come back begging for you when you truly don't want anything to do with them anymore.